I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
