yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
he had hair everywhere except his balls
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
