Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
