real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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