Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
