Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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