i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
