In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
