One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
