My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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