I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
