What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
