So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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