Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
