I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
