I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
