My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
