She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
