im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
