You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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