I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
