can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
