you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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