hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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