so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
