I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Is Oprah even human
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
