girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
