Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
