Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
