Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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