I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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