hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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