Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
