Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
