You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
