You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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