I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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