We won't sleep together?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
