apparently the secret to your success is patron
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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