Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
it's like heaven, but drunker
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
