guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
