I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
