I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
