So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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