I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
