We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
If I die, sorry about rent.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
