Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
