I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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