Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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