I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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