Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
