wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
